Can I ask my maid of honor to step down?

Whe I found out I was getting married, I ,of course, called everyone I knew. One of my old friends (used to be best friends, we aren't very close anymore) had mentioned that she expected to be in the wedding party. I offered to let her be a bridesmaid and she acted quite offended. So, against my gut feeling, I asked her if she would like to be my maid of honor. She accepted and said she would do all the "duties" associated with being the MOH. First of all, she lives 1500 miles away. Second of all, she always has an excuse on why she can't come out to where I live to go wedding dress shopping, etc. First it was a trip here, then there, then somewhere else. She actually had the gall to tell me to wait to do anything until she came out - next year! I didn't really want her to be my MOH in the first place and I know I made the mistake by asking. Can I kick her to the curb?

Can I ask my maid of honor to step down?
If you want to still be friends with her, you may want to try a different approach than suggested.





You could ask her to just be a bridesmaid since she can't accommodate your wishes and schedule. If she's a real friend, she will understand that this is for your day, and you are the one that needs to be happy. If she doesn't, then maybe you need to go ahead and be rude. She shouldn't try to take over or force you into things you don't want. Putting plans on hold could seriously jeopardize the end result. The later that things are done, the more chance there is of a mistake. Caterers and vendors need plenty of time to prepare and finalize for big events. Last minute arrangements can jack up the cost out of your budget.





If you want, you could always ask another bridesmaid to take over her responsibilities and be a second maid of honor. There's no reason that you can't have two since one isn't doing her job. Then when it's time for your original to come out, let her. Explain to her when she gets there that you needed to take care of some things and you just couldn't wait on her. Three or more months of waiting instead of planning and doing were not a realistic expectation on her part. Remind her that she wanted the role, but she just wasn't living up to it. Then it's her decision to either live with being a second maid of honor or just a bridesmaid. She may even "quit" on her own.





It's all about how you want the relationship to be after. If you just don't care if you ever talk to her again, then don't even bother to be nice. Just "fire" her and get someone you can depend on, preferrably that lives close to you so you won't have to worry about travel.
Reply:You can ask her to step down. Explain to her the reasons you are asking her to step down (distance and waiting next year to get the ball rolling). Let her know that you can't wait until she's ready to start looking for a gown and other wedding necessities and that you have to do it now. Also know that you all will probably not be friends after the conversation.
Reply:Yes you can but in a nice way. She will still get upset but of well. As long as you do it nicely then you wont have any regrets about it later. Just explain to her that with the miles between you and her it is not feasible to have her as your MOH. And get someone else closer to you . Congratulations.
Reply:It is still considered bad etiquette to ask someone to step.Down now if you don't care about the possibility of losing this friendship say I would feel more comfortable having someone locally be my maid of honor that can really attend to all the duties such as dress shopping which you cannot do from 1500miles away.Offer to have her as a bridesmaid but she may try and ruin your wedding so that could backfire.Don't metion that she invited her self she could make things really bad for you.
Reply:She seems to not be such a great friend.





Explain politely that you "understand how busy she is and how difficult it is for her to come out and visit" tell her "that's why you think it is a better idea if someone closer (both to you and in location) is a better option, but you would still love for her to be a bridesmaid"





If she flips out maybe you will get lucky and she won't come at all!





p.s. best wishes for a long and happy marriage!
Reply:First off, it is your wedding and your choice who should be present at your wedding. Just tell her, you've decided to go with someone else. Do it quick before she ruins all your plans.
Reply:Yes, you can. But be prepared to have it permanently ruin your friendship with her.





If you want to stay friends, then you're going to have to suck it up and deal with it. Or, have two maids of honor, one that will actually do stuff and will get top billing on the program, and one who just has an honorary title.
Reply:Yes, you really have to do this. Be gentle but honest. Say something like "When I asked you to be my maid of honor I wasn't really thinking about all the details. I realize now that it's just not practical to expect you to handle this from 1500 miles away. I've decided to ask ______ to be my maid of honor instead. I'd be delighted if you would be a bridesmaid." If she becomes angry and refuses to be in your wedding, you won't have lost anything. And if she still wants to be a bridesmaid, fine.
Reply:Be honest with her. Let her know that you are not that close anymore. Tell her she GUILTED you into the choice and you already had someone ELSE in mind. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING, the last thing you need is settling for less than the IDEAL event that HOPEFULLY be the ONLY wedding you have. SO instead of hating your decision....FIX it before it is too late. DROP KICK HER...NOW.
Reply:geez...is it your wedding or hers? you're going to have to find your backbone and re-analyze your friendship with this girl as well as your wedding plans. find someone who will actually be willing to help, not someone who just wants to get all the attention in the wedding party. it sounds like she's just pushing you around. and when you tell her you don't want her to be the MOH, tell her straight up: she's too far away and you can no longer postpone your plans to accomodate her. be prepared for a bad reaction, i'm sure she won't give up her title without a fight.
Reply:yes do it now tell her exactly what you just wrote if she was a good friend she'd make more time to help you out and let her know that or lie and say that whoever you do actually want as your moh and you made a pact years ago to be each others but you had completely forgot
Reply:Yes you can as long as you tell her the truth why and how you feel and she will understand.
Reply:It is your wedding and you should decide who is your maid of honor. My sister was recently asked to be a maid of honor and another girl got upset with the bride to be and told her off that she wanted to be the maid of honor. Well, the bride to be told that girl off and said my sister is going to be the maid of honor. It is your day and don't let what someone else wants be your decision. You can tell her she isnt the maid of honor. Tell her you thought about it alot and decided it would be easier for someone else to be, and someone you are much closer to (emotionally closer). She had some nerve saying those things to you in the first place. I wouldn't want my fiance to have to put things on hold just because a girl didnt know her schedule. She has to work to your schedule for this, and I'm sure you could have a much better person (morally better) as your maid of honor. And someone that matters more to you.
Reply:She doesn't sound like a very good friend and you don't need that kind of grief. Just bite the bullet and tell her you've had a change of heart and that you are NOT waiting on her to get married.
Reply:Be careful, I had a "friend" that asked me to be her maid of honor for her wedding, I told her that I didn't have enough money and time to devote to her so we both decided that it would be better if I would be a bridesmaid... a few months later she sent me an email telling me that it wasn't gonna work me being in the wedding. It has been really really hard for me to want to be close with her again. it basically ruined our friendship. If you decide to do this, make sure and explain things to her totally in order to keep your chances of saving the friendship open.
Reply:Cut the ties as early as possible. If it is this hard to get her cooperation now, imagine how hard it will be to do things as the wedding approaches. Demote her to a bridesmaid or kick her to the curb, your call.





Have you considered a maid of honor and a matron of honor?
Reply:You should have gone with your gut feeling first. I had what I called a "closet" maid of honor. I had the offical maid of honor that I asked when we were first engaged, then I had a girl that over the two years we were engaged, became my best friend. She helped me with EVERYTHING and my maid of honor hardly did a thing. If you think it will be a huge problem telling your current MOH, just keep it to yourself. Tell the other girl you want to have as the MOH that in your heart, she is. Don't ask your current MOH to say a toast, just have the best man do it. That's what I did, noone seemed to notice. Good luck
Reply:It's your wedding and it should be as stress free as possible. If she's stressing you out then drop her! Do it in a nice way though otherwise you may end up enemies! Maybe try to explain to her why it isn't working (the distance, not being able to make it to help you, etc.) and that you REALLY need someone who can help you out whenever you need it.
Reply:Sure if you are polite.
Reply:YUP, and if you dont your gonna regret it. Tell her you still want her there and to be a part of your big day. But your just not as close as you used to be, and your really needing more help than she can do 1500 miles away. She'll be hurt, but you'll be more hurt not having your day turn out the way you want. Been there done that Hated my MOH!