Fiance's 11 year old daughter to be my Maid of Honor?

My Fiance and I are in the beginning stages of planning our wedding. This will be his second marriage and my first. He has two kids (a boy who is 13 and a girl who is 11) that he wants to incorporate in to the wedding as the Best Man and Maid of Honor. I think it is important to incorporate them as well, but feel that it would be much more appropriate for them to serve as Junior Groomsman and Bridesmaid. I have two good friends that I am having a tough time deciding who, between them, I should ask to be my Maid of Honor. My Fiance thinks that having the kids be Best Man and Maid of Honor would solve this problem. However, I want to be more traditional about this and would prefer to have one of my friends serve as my Maid of Honor. He's pretty insistent--do I give in and have his 11 year old daughter be my Maid of Honor even though the role will be arbitrary? I've tried to suggest alternative ways to involve the kids to him, but he isn't budging. Help!

Fiance's 11 year old daughter to be my Maid of Honor?
First off, I think it is a good idea to incorporate his kids in the wedding. It will be a great way for them to show their support of this new relationship.





It is your wedding and you two can do it any way you want. But you two better get on the same page. You could have 3 maids of honor or none or any other combination in between. He may think he is helping your dilemna of choosing a friend for maid of honor, but you just need to talk to him about this. Maybe there is more going on (like him having trouble picking a best man or groomsmen or other feelings of complication coming back from his 1st wedding). I know the tradition is to have matching numbers on both sides, but you can flip that too. I was in a wedding where there were more girls than guys. Everyone walked in solo. Then at the end, some walked out in pairs and others walked out as 3 (1 guy and 2 girls).





My main point, don't worry about what anyone thinks besides you and your fiance. Consider the feelings of your friends and family, but ultimately make the decision based on what you and your fiance feel. Sit down and talk it out and figure what is on his mind. In every wedding, there are factors that are important and others that you don't care as much about. If this is an important issue to you, then you have to present your case. Explain how important it is to have your close friends involved and find a way to meet in the middle. It sounds like it is very important to have his kids in this so make sure you take his wishes as seriously as you want him to take yours. And your friends should be ok with any role that they take whether it is maid of honor or bridesmaid or host or none of those. If they are truly your friends, they will support any decision you make. Personally, I think the smaller the bridal party, the easier it is to manage. No matter what, make sure that the people that you ask will actually be of help to you. Your bridal party usually helps with Bridal shower, bachelorette party, and a lot of the little things that come with planning a wedding (like preparing invitations or favors or taking trips to meet with vendors).





Good luck!
Reply:I would definitely have her be the junior bridesmaid and have your own maid of honor. This way she will still be part of the wedding party and one of your girls. You can maybe give her an extra part to make her feel special. Maybe she can hold your train as you walk down the aisle or something similar. It would be more appropriate for her to be the junior helper. Good luck!
Reply:have them as maybe ring bearer and flower girl?





it's cuter that way anyways
Reply:I don't really like the idea of kids in traditionally "grown-up" roles, such as M.O.H., especially if you have a friend you'd rather have in that role. I have seen children from previous marriages serve as honorary bridesmaids and groomsmen before, and I've also seen ceremonies where the children "give away" their parent. I saw on Oprah that when Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood got married, his three daughters were actually wearing little mini bride dresses, which was so creepy I kind of wanted to throw up a little, LOL, but the point is they got incorporated. You can maybe have a special part in the ceremony where the children do a reading for you, or maybe where you make "vows" with the kids, kind of like a family pledge thing, or you all light a candle or something. But your fiance needs to understand that you've got friends and family too and it's not all about his kids all the time. If he's acting this way about having the kids be maid of honor and best man, imagine how he'll try to control your life with the kids after you're married. Are you sure you want to do this????
Reply:You're right - the kids would be perfect for a jr. bridesmaid and jr. groomsman. Explain to your fiance that you need a maid of honor who can help you with planning, giving you a toast, and all the other traditional duties. It is unfair of him to insist who you have as YOUR maid of honor.
Reply:I understand that he wants his children involved, but I'm with you on this. Does he understand the typical 'duties' of a maid of honor? And the best man. Now granted, they aren't required duties...but still, it really doesn't seem all that appropriate to me to have children in those roles, especially if one member of the couple is not cool with it. You should be the one choosing who your maid of honor will be, not your future husband.





If you give in to this now, you've pretty much determined how married life will be for you.
Reply:The maid of honor and best man are witnesses to the marriage and in most states they have to be 18 or above. If this is true in your state your marriage will not be legal. Have them serve as brides maid and groomsman. Speak to the person performing the ceremony. They should know the law.
Reply:why couldn't she be the Jr maid of honor and he could be the Jr best man and you could each choose older wedding party members to be the maid of honor and best man and they could help the kids perform there duty's and every one is happy
Reply:i agree with you both. so there has to be a way to compromise. i think as long as you make sure that each child has a very important role in the wedding (this is a necessity) then he should be able to give a little too. i am sure this will be the first of many compromises that you two will have to make in your life together. good luck and congratulations.
Reply:You are correct, she should not be your Maid of Honor!


That position is supposed to be held by your close friend or relative. Let her be his Best Wo-man next to his son, the Best Man. Maybe let her walk and be a Bridesmaid, let her come out first and that's that. This is your wedding, not hers.


Someone needs to explain to him, about the role of the Maid of Honor!





Ok....just a thought..................she can be your Jr. Maid of Honour, but still have your Maid or Matron of Honor!
Reply:You need to put your foot down about this situation. This is his second marriage like you stated so it's not a big deal. But this is your first and hopefully only wedding. You need to say something about it.
Reply:Have 2 MOH and 2 Best Men.





Best of both worlds.
Reply:why don't you talk to him about it you know your Fiance? Why don't you two sit down and discuss it. Some suggestions, his daughter can be the 2nd maid of Honor and just give her some duties of the Maid of Honor. and have your best girl-friend do the big stuff and just include the 11 year old in it also that way she will not feel left out. But give the suggestion to your Fiance to see if it's ok with him. Then have a special Maid of Honor dress for her in a color like the 1st Maid of Honor but maybe a little lighter in color. Or you can have the same color. But you need to include the 11 year old in the wedding also and the Boy can be the best man or the 2nd best man taking on some of the duties that the best man does. usually the best man does the toast and do the bachelor party. I don't think the 13 year old should be doing that. He can do a toast though. The best man that is 11 years old can share in some of the responsibilitys as the adult best man. Have your Fiance get an Adult to be the best man and have him share the duties with the 11 year old. Good luck
Reply:have her be a junior bridesmaid! She isn't even old enough to be a regular bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor.





Tell your fiancé that a maid of honor isn't just a title, it is someone who is there by your side the entire wedding and helps you. She plans your batchelorette parties, she ties up all the loose ends to your wedding, she is the one who helps that wedding happen. That little girl won't even be able to drive herself to the wedding. She's so young! A junior bridesmaid would be super cute.





The same thing goes for the boy. They are both no where near being old enough. Think about your batchelor party? The little boy is too young to be around alcohol.
Reply:There is no reason age should play in who the maid of honor is. My maid of honor was my 13 year old sister and my bridesmaid was my best friend and she was ok with that. Of course, my bridesmaid did most of the maid of honor work but it meant more to me to have my sister up there serving in that role.
Reply:This is your wedding to and the role of the Maid of Honor is up to YOU, NOT HIM! I think he is being very selfish. Tell him that it is your decision... it's great to have her in the wedding but the maid of honor is an adult role- she is supposed to help you plan the wedding and parties, and 11 is much to young for that.


Stick up for yourself because you are in the right here.
Reply:That is soooo your choice!! He shouldn't Obligate you to make his daughter your maid of honor. This is really "your big day" you should have someone be your maid of honor that understands the concept and importance of playing that role...I highly doubt that an 11 yr old understands that. What..is she supposed to throw your bachorlerete party too??? lol c'mon now!! she could play a seprate role but Maid of honor...thats COMPLETELY your choice. Not hers or HIS!!!
Reply:As a wife who had to plan her wedding to a man with 2 daughters from a previous marraige I feel your pain, but his insisting that they be your honor attendants is over the line. I can see him insisting that they be included, which it seems you are perfectly willing to do but he needs to step back from the situation and look at it realistically.





You should have a maid of honor and best man of appropriate age to not only sign the required documents and uphold the various duties that are expected of them. I would have the children as Jr. Bridesmaid and Jr. Groomsmen. When it comes time for actual exchange of vows have the kids come forward and stand with the best man and Maid of Honor to act as secondary witnesses. This will not only include them but will also give them a better sense of importance as they will be the only other attendants called forward to do so.





After vows if you choose to do something special to include them (a family vow or necklace/bracelet ceremony) then they would already be in place.





Good Luck~!
Reply:Well, I am with you on this one.





I would prefer (if it was me), to have an adult serve as maid of honor and best man. OF COURSE, include his kids as junior groomsman and junior bridesmaid.





Then.....during the ceremony...have their names incorporated into the vows and possibly have a family medallion ceremony, or a family sand ceremony, or light a family unity candle. See this link for more information:





http://www.idotaketwo.com/child_wedding....


http://www.idotaketwo.com/second_marriag...





You can even present the two kids with a small gift during the ceremony. There are LOTS of ways to incorporate the children.





Good luck!
Reply:just call the little girl you maid of honor and tell whoever you would choose that you would like her to be "maid of honor" and explain the situation. then she can take care of the maid of honor duties and everyone will be happy.
Reply:I hope you are able to resolve it peacefully. I know how those things can go. I agree, they are the age to be junior bridesmaids and groomsmen. A maid of honor carries a lot of responsibility in helping the bride. Your fiance should consider that fact. If anything you could always let her walk down the aisle with the maid of honor that you choose. But make it clear to your fiance that you have another friend in mind for that position. The way we did it....I picked the girls, he picked the guys. And that was that. Good luck. I'm sure you'll have a beautiful, happy day no matter what! God Bless.
Reply:There's a lot more to being Maid of Honor than just standing next to you at the ceremony. There's a lot of planning and stuff that happens before the wedding that is the traditional role of MOH. I don't think it's fair that your fiance would expect one of your friends to do all of the behind the scenes stuff and then have to take a back seat to his daughter. While I believe that the kids should be involved, there's only so much an 11 year old can do.
Reply:Are your friends married? What I'm doing...is this...





I have a 15 year old sister, who I KNOW would love to be maid of honor. I also want someone who will be able to really really help, and do MOH duties...which she won't, obviously. (Neither will an 11 year old)---so I'm having her be my maid of honor, and my friend (who's married) be my MATRON of honor. Then they both have a title, and I'm happy with it. My sister can help my friend with anything possible, and still be "important" in the wedding.





BUT, talk to your fiance...maybe you can get him to see your point...or MAYBE you'll decide this is one thing to give in on. But talk! :)





Good luck to you!
Reply:No, I wouldn't give in and I'd be a little concerned about him thinking it's his place to call the shots when it comes to your Maid of Honor. That is YOUR choice, not his. I'm surprised he'd even ask that.





I'm sorry, I hope he's sweet but he sounds like a scary, controlling, I'm in charge, my-way-or-the-hiway kind of guy. :( I hope not - congrats!





EDIT: Please consider how this situation is going and whether or not you ever want to have what YOU want, or if you want to always be bullied into whatever he wants.





I understand how important marriage is (I'm married) and you don't just change your mind about your life partner. However, his complete lack of respect for you and for what you want is very concerning. Maybe a little pre-marriage counseling to discuss your expectations of the marriage?
Reply:He can choose whoever he likes to be best man. Just as you can choose whoever will be maid of honor. That is traditional. Just as it's traditional that the bride make the choices of color, theme, etc.





His being so rigid in this is a clue as to how your married life will be. He is behaving like the boss... That's not what a good husband is.





I would have more concern over his control issues and how they will affect your married life, than I would over the wedding choices.





What you might do, is show him all the responses you got here. It seems to most of us that he is being unreasonable.
Reply:I would have my two good friends both serve as my MOH, they both can't stand beside you, but they can both help in the planning of the showers, and helping you get ready for the big day. As for his daughter, I would tell him she is going to be the your junior bridesmaid. If he wants his son as his Best Man, then you are fine with that, but he should also support your wishes. I would tell him that the MOH position is usually for a close friend, cousin, sister or someone that you have been through alot with in life. Usually not a child whom while should be made apart of the special day, should not be given a role that can't fill accordingly. My nephew who was 9 when I got married, was our junior groomsmen. I was so proud when he walked down the aisle and took his place. He carried the real ring, while my ring bearer just carried the pillow with two fake rings tied to it, he was 6, so we didn't want to lose them. My point is that your wedding is what you dream of, little girls plan them their whole lives. Your husband has already had one wedding, tell him you deserve to have your day, after all, you are coming into this as a new wife and a stepmother.








UPDATE: I think the wedding band is a great present. You know I read your question again and I just can't believe he is being so insistent on his daughter being the MOH. Is one of those people who think the world revolves around him and what he wants? I mean, why does it mean so much to him what his daughter does in the wedding as long as she involved, more importantely as long as you and her get along and you love her and his son. Why make such a big deal about her being the MOH when you want a close friend to be beside you on your day. I would just tell him, I love OUR daughter but she is not going to be my MOH, she can be a jr bridesmaid and she can help plan my shower with my MOH. I would also just take her to get her dress and make a spa day of it for you and her. I would tell him this as well. Then I would say that is the end of discussion. If he should keep on, then just say the wedding is off. I am serious, that is what I would do, if you give in this time, your entire marriage will be about him badgering you until you give in to what he wants. Stay strong!
Reply:Personally, I love the idea of incorporating family into the wedding party. However, I agree that 11 is a bit too young for a Maid of Honor - there is a lot of things that go into that role - can you imagine her at your bachelorette?!





I think having her as a bridesmaid is fabulous though! Clearly explain the role of a Maid/Matron of Honor to him, and offer to give her some special responsibilities suited to her personality. I imagine she is mature for an 11 y/o since he is suggesting her for this role, so maybe she could aid in last minute details while you are getting all ready for the day.





I had a non-traditional Maid/Matron of Honor, since my mother was my Matron of Honor, so think about who you want and don't limit yourself to only friends (unless you want to!)
Reply:tell him he already has had a wedding and you havent and they can be in the wedding but you want your friends as the maid of honor. ive never heard of little kids being the maid of honor it just aint right. he need to let you have this your way.
Reply:I'm with you. Even having them as groomsman %26amp; bridesmaid (eliminate the "junior") is better than as Best Man and MOH.


You should have your friends and/or family in the wedding party.


Why is he so adamant that these roles must be fulfilled by HIS kids? What is he suggesting you do with your closest friends?


Sorry to say it, but your future hubby has issues!
Reply:In most states the maid of honor and best man must be 18 to be able to sign the marriage certificate as witnesses. I would tell you to find out about the laws and then explain to him that unfortunately they are not of age.
Reply:Are you kidding me. I dont get men that do this. This is your first wedding, and while you need to include his children, you should still get your dream traditional wedding. Tell him you dont like it, your sorry, you want her to be in it, Heck even make her the Junior MOH, but tell him your good friend is going to be the MOH. Also, by chance is one of the good friends married and the other not? B/c then you could have the Matron of honr (who is supposed to be married) and the MOH who is single. Make te bridal party as big as you want. God knows mine is big! Then give him the option of making his son a jr Best man.





Not only that, there is a lot of ADULT responsibility with the MOH position that you will miss out on, like the bridal shower and helping u with the big day. Explain to him that this is your first wedding and you want all that stuff.