Major problem gathering the courage to boot out a maid of honor. Advice please! Details inside?

Here's the story. My wedding is July 28 of this year, and I've been engaged since May of last year. I foolishly asked my oldest friend to be my maid of honor. She has always been somewhat self-absorbed, but I thought she had gotten over it.





Well, things have not turned out well. Not only has she been completely unsupportive; I can't even get her to pay for her bloody dress. The day my other bridesmaids and I went to pick them out, she ditched, so I paid for hers and she promised to pay me back (I really don't have the money to pay for their dresses, unfortunately). She has not planned any kind of shower/bachelorette party for me- she has literally not even called and asked me how plans are and if there's anything she needs to do (we don't see each other very often).





This is stressing me out so much that I know I need to tell her she's out. What is a tactful way to do this? At this point, I'm not too concerned about preserving the friendship, but I don't want to be too rude.

Major problem gathering the courage to boot out a maid of honor. Advice please! Details inside?
I would take her to lunch or some other neutral location, and then ask her if she still wants to be in the wedding. Maybe her financial situation changed, she can't afford the dress anymore, but doesn't know how to tell YOU? If she's your oldest friend, self-absorbed or not, she deserves the benefit of the doubt. Give her the easy out, explain that you understand how expensive this is, and if she can't do it, it's fine with you, you just need to know one way or another. That way, you don't have to be rude, and even if you're not all that interested in preserving the friendship, you're not the one burning the bridge to end it either.





And, by the way, the mother of the bride does NOT host a bridal shower, since a shower is basically asking for gifts for the bride. For her mother to do that is incredibly rude and in extremely poor taste. Hosting a bridal shower is clearly the responsibility of the MOH and bridesmaids. Also, most brides do NOT pay for their bridesmaids dresses, most women understand when you agree to be in a wedding, paying for the dress (that you probably won't like) is part of the deal.





Good luck!
Reply:This is YOUR wedding. If you feel she is not into the wedding and the wedding plans it is your right to relieve her of her duties.





Have lunch with her. Discuss your feelings that she is not very into the wedding plans and even bailed when they went to get dresses and that she should step down as maid of honor.





If she does not, just say that this is not her decision it is yours. then pick a Maid of Honor.
Reply:Tell her she has a week to pay for her dress, or she's out. If you really want a shower/bachelorette party, ask one of your other bridesmaid's if she'd plan something. Tell her what's going on, that your MOH is not being a very good MOH, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd do it. Also have the bridesmaid not invite the MOH, she'll get offended, but she's not respecting your wishes, and she's being a (insert word that feels appropriate here).


Usually the mother of the bride throws the bridal shower. Just for FYI
Reply:ask her out to lunch asap


then, ask her if she still wants to be in it


maybe she only said yes b/c of you long friendship BUT now her non involvement is really her way of showing how she's really feeling.





maybe she's going through a cash crunch and is too embarrassed to say so.





maybe she's jealous.





anyway call her no later than this weekend and either arrange to meet or have the conversation over the phone.





be gentle even if she isn't forth coming.





if she arranges to meet with you and then cancels send her a email and tell her "It seems this is not something you really fits into your current circumstance" (kinda be a bit vague if she ever comes out and says no) "so I think it's best for both of us...."





still invite her to the wedding just to see if she will show.





good luck





(I have seen this happen more than once, more often than not friendships end)


also stickily speaking, the Mother of the bride is not supposed to host the shower. As the other poster stated because it seems like a gift grab for your own relative.


now a days folks however many have tossed out etiquette and many do so.





the thing about it as dresses,shoes etc etc are already expensive to ask one of the other maids to cough up $300-$500 dollars to host a shower at this late date......





maybe a family member might be best
Reply:i asked a similar sort of question a little while ago, and one person said to me 'why are people so worried to stand up for themselves when its their wedding!' She was so right.. when it comes to your special day, you should be doing what is right for you.


your m.o.h sounds like she is quite self absorbed which is a very annoying quality. in saying 'yes' to be a moh she accepts responsibilities which come with it, which include being supportive, paying for her dress, organising things..etc .. its not just about being the first bridesmaid to walk down the isle.


unfortunately, preserving the friendship is something that may be difficult when asking her to step down.. however, she is obviously not to concerned with your feelings anyway, so you don't need to be worrying about hers if she can't do the same thing for you.


what you should say is that one of the other girls and you have become very close, she has been extremely supportive and has been actually happy to do things for you, and it is because of this that you think she is best suited for the job...


Good luck
Reply:You don't. It was your duty to let her know what you needed help with, not expecting to be catered to! You can pick up the phone just as easily as she can - but you are the one planning!
Reply:idk.


it sounds bad but people sometimes have stuff going on that they don't talk about. I know that right now this is the most imoprtant thing in your life...but it probably isn't hers. You could ask her "do you still want to be in my wedding, because you seem realy busy and I don't want it to be an extra burden on you", but telling her she can't be in it seems wrong. Just bring up the subject nicely and she will probably let you know what's going on. You say she's self absorbed...but who knows....maybe you both are a little. Get thru the wedding without ending any friendships and then you can slowly distance yourself if need be.
Reply:I would say return her dress if you still have it and have a bridesmaid become your maid of honor and just dont mention the wedding again to her i'm sure if shes not that interested in the first place she'll forget about it! Also means don't send her an invite either! She'll get the hint! If she ever gets the balls to ask you why tell her the truth!!
Reply:tell her that we have been friends for a very long time, but this is supposed to be the happiest day of life, and planning this wedding is supposed be fun. but my wedding is 2 months away and i don't think that things are going as well as they should be. you are supposed to be my maid of honor, but you are not helping me at all. it's not fair that i pay for your dress and not my bridesmaids. i don't have extra money all my money is tied into the wedding. i am so sorry but i don't want you in my wedding. i am sorry for sounding rude but this is how i feel.
Reply:ban her from the wedding, maybe that will teach her lesson for being so obnoxious
Reply:Tell her, "You clearly dont want to be in this wedding, here's your get out of our friendshp free card."
Reply:If you are that disappointed then just fire her.





I really didn't expect my bridesmaids to pay for my wedding- I paid for their dresses.





EDIT


I don't care what the rest of you did - I refuse to think its anyones but the brides' responsibility to pay for bridemaid dresses. Why would I expect someone to buy a dress that they couldn't wear anywhere else? For me? I think its just part of the cost of the wedding. Some website is not going to make me change my mind. Whats the validity? Reliability? Too many bridezillas out there.
Reply:Send her a copy of above question.


with a P.S. %26gt; sorry it did not work out
Reply:Just say something like "My wedding day means a lot to me and I want everyone there to be supportive of what I and (fiance's name) are doing. I dont feel like you have my best intrests in mind so I am afriad I wont be able to have you be in any part on our wedding."
Reply:Keep her. Be the bigger person regardless of the cost. If you have cool other bridesmaid, they'll throw a sweet bachelorette soiree for you.

lily